Thursday, April 22, 2010

Growing as a Mom

When I went into labor with Eloise, I didn't want to go to the hospital until I knew for sure that we were having this baby.  I didn't want to go and be sent home.  I didn't want to go and be wrong.  I would be embarrassed, I thought.  Maybe they'd think I was a wimp or a rookie.  So we waited at home until the pain was nice and strong and off we went.

And time from time when Eloise would get sick, I would think, "Is she sick enough to go to the doctor?"  How would I know?  Should I go, or should I stay home?  I wouldn't want to be wrong, would I?  Oh, the horror.

But after some years of mothering, I have learned to suck up my pride.  Like when I'm walking through the airport with a poop stain visible on my shirt.  No pride.

Or, when my daughter wears 15 bows in her hair to school.  No pride.

And I no longer have any pride when it comes to going to the doctor.  And if I'm wrong and they only send me home with a sucker, who cares?

Well at least I'm learning not to care.

Today my pride was put to the test once again.  Cordelia woke up from her nap struggling to breathe.  She was gagging and couldn't seem to get a deep enough breath to even cry.  It was obviously serious, so I ran to my neighbor's house who is a PA and asked her to check her out.  She told me to take her to the doctor immediately and that she'd keep Eloise.

So off I went.  My heart pumping.  My adrenaline rushing.

I walk into the doctor's office and tell them the problem.  A nurse comes over and tells me that all her rooms are full and that I could have called.  "You could have called and set something up, you know?"

Emotion welled up inside me.  And my inner voice said, "Emily, you will not apologize for caring.  You will not apologize for listening to your motherly intuition.  You will not apologize..."

It took every ounce of me not to apologize.  And not to cry.  So what did I say?  I blamed my neighbor.  Haha.  Really??  Did I just say that?  "My neighbor who used to work here told me to come..."  I felt like a school girl.  But at least I didn't apologize.

And then Cordelia started coughing and the nurse took notice.  Definitely the croup.

I gained some confidence and said, "Can you take her temperature, she's really hot."

And she did.  She did the temperature, the oxygen test, and got the doctor.  Thankfully, Cordelia's oxygen levels are not too worrisome and she's been resting well.

In a strange way, I feel good right now.  My motherly confidence is growing.  My people pleasing tendencies are waning.  And I'm confident.  And if I'm wrong, who cares?  Who really cares if I'm wrong?  Not me.

Say a prayer for Cordelia, please.  For a rapid recovery and a peaceful night.


gwen said...

PRAYING .... and proud of you!

catherine said...

praying for her and you. I hope she gets better quickly

Anonymous said...

Poor baby!! That would have scared me to death. Good mommy instincts, Emily! Sending thoughts & prayers to you guys.

Molly said...

prayers for a restful night for both cordelia and you!

Lauren said...

call me if you need anything or have any questions :) prayers for you two!

ML Welz said...

Oh my goodness-- lots of prayers your way for a swift recovery for Cordelia and rest and strength for you and your husband :)